My Relationship With Darkness

Its getting dark.

Darkness has always intrigued me. My views about darkness have evolved over time. I believe darkness is omnipresent. Light is momentary. What exists before and after light is darkness. Darkness is a great filler. Think about it... It comes every where unlike light. Light needs a source. Darkness does not need a source. It is sourceless creation. Even doubt that it ever needed to be created as I think it existed even before Big Bang!

When I was little I would usually associate scary creatures such as ghosts, spirits, monsters etc with darkness. As I grew, I found out there is more to darkness. This is what soaks us all in eventually. 

I sometime get panic attacks before going to sleep. I fear end of time. End of life as we know it. Of course I won't be here to witness that. Believe me I have no interest in that. What has born has to die one day and so will our little planet. But its the endlessness of darkness after that. I feel my chest emptying out with anxiety thinking about what after that? And what after that? Infinite darkness? Its hard to sleep with these thoughts. 

I heard a story once about a dispute between Darkness and Sun. Darkness went to God complaining about Sun that Sun is not letting her exist. God called Sun. Darkness was no where to be found. At that point it was all about how great Sun is. It would never let darkness stay around. But today I wonder who has more endurance? In a battle between Sun and Darkness who will win at last? I think we all know the answer... Darkness has infinite patience.

Its easy to say but hard to follow the light as it is not always there. We cannot deny darkness. It has always been there. 

All I say to me after my fight with darkness is- Face your fears and go to sleep.

State of My Mind

Hi.

Finally I have decided to write. Trying to break a habit or you can say make a habit? I have always wondered why write? Why should I write my thoughts down? What difference does it make? What is it of interest to others? And why should anyone care to read my thoughts? So I said to myself that the only way to find out is write. Though I feel weird typing it down rather than writing... 

Writing to me is more of a emotional and spiritual experience which involves the touch of paper, the sound of scribbling, a cutting, a editing... Which we all are getting far away from. This is a lot convenient. Evolution is inevitable. I might soon relate to these new mediums as well. I am trying. I use technology everyday and I always try to be up to date but with this I am still bit old school. 

The reason why I write this is because I feel may be I will be able to sort out the nexus of thoughts. State of my mind is fuzzy. I often feel alienated from myself. Walking down the road I look at that tree and in a second I am not there looking at that tree. I am someone looking at both of us. I feel my existence as a weird being I find hard to relate back to. What am I here for? I am sure we all ask that question to ourselves at some point of our lives but seriously... what is the point of our existence?

That is the point where my alienation from everything is at apex. I wonder what do I matter in this cosmos. Then I just keep going deep into doubts about my thoughts as I cannot come to a conclusion until finally something breaks in. A routine. 

We all are so busy weaving our own little webs of goals, aspirations, worries, joys and sorrows. Are we missing on something in doing that? Something far more important. And if we all start searching for that important thing what will be the state of the world as we know it. Sometimes its just funny and I end up feeling stupid. 

I am searching for a motivation. A push or a pull towards my answers. Reach the closest I can to tangibility of this complex equation called Life.  For the time being I think the motivation will be concentrating on a career. Try not to look beyond it at this stage. Obviously we have to go step by step. So whether it is the life you are living or the life you are figuring out, if you do not climb the mountain you cannot see the view. The view matters.